Teen Angst Tuesday

I was originally going to post this last week but due to stomach bugs and general laziness it did not happen. So, from here on out, Tuesdays shall be known as "Teen Angst Tuesdays" around here. Each week I will post a poem. Sometimes it will be one of mine, but probably not very often because I tend to hate my own poetry. Sometimes I'll post poems that have been written for me, and sometimes I'll post famous poems or poems I've read by famous people ;-) AND , if my readership ever goes up above one(Hi Whitney!!) and you, darling reader have any poems you'd like to share, I'll post those too! So! In the spirit of the first ever Teen Angst Tuesday I've decided that my all time favorite poem would be appropriate. You may recognize this poem from that Cameron Diaz movie...the one with the title about shoes...I think?? ANYWAY, enjoy.

ee cummings

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

Fall

Today is the first day that it actually feels like fall and I must say, I"m giddy. I realize that it's only officially been fall for a week, but for California that's pretty good! I took the boys for a walk this morning and the wind was blowing and the leaves for flying through the air, it reminded me of what Pooh Bear calls a "blustery day." Very enjoyable. I'm not usually a fan of wind but owing to the fact that it's more of a strong breeze than wind, I'll take it. It doesn't hurt that the sky is a beautiful blue and the light is golden. I'm crazy about fall...

"Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worse kind of suffering." Paulo Coelho

Almost Lover-A fine frenzy

I've been stuck in the house for the last couple of weeks due to the family cycling through a cold and I'm starting to go stir-crazy. Being stuck in the house doesn't give me much material to work with in terms of blog entries so I've decided to let somebody else do the writing tonight. Oh, I suppose I could crank out a few more "poor me" entries, but truth be told, I'm getting bored with my misery. So...I've decided to post one of my all-time favorite songs accompanied by lyrics.Okay, change of plans...it turns out posting a video is a wee bit more complicated than just copying and pasting and because I'm on a new computer I'm not willing to figure it out tonight. So! We'll just make due with the lyrics, mmmk?

When I first heard this song I almost wished I was going through a break-up so I could really relate, that seems silly in hindsight...but true nonetheless! Enjoy ;-)

Almost Lover-A fine Frenzy

Your fingertips across my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind
Images
You sang me Spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick

Well, I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

[Chorus]
Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me
Images
And when you left, you kissed my lips
You told me you would never, never forget
These images

No

Well, I'd never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

[Chorus]
Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine

Did I make it that
Easy to walk right in and out
Of my life?

[Chorus]
Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should have known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

You said WHAT??

Lately my kids have been sounding less like kids and more like sailers and I'm not sure who to blame. I could certainly blame my parents whose language is questionable at best. I could probably even get away with blaming my brothers. It's true my kids rarely see their uncles but it's also true that my brother's language is awful. I could even blame Friends and That 70's show, except the only bad words they use are "whore" and "bitch." Both of which are not in my kids vocabulary... But folks, let's be honest here. The only person I can truly and honestly blame without feeling any guilt, is myself. Me and my dirty mouth are going to get my kids into some pretty embarrassing situations if I don't find some way to stop this...

But here's the thing. Any parent will tell you that as soon as you smile, or laugh punishment isn't an option. You can't punish a child for something you obviously find amusing, it just isn't fair. And while we're being honest, I guess I should admit that I always laugh. I'm sorry! I just can't help myself. Do I think four year olds saying things like, "Mommy, this is really pissing me off" is horrifying? Yes. Do I also think it's beyond adorable to hear such filthy language in such a sweet, small voice? Absolutely. Does this make me a bad person? Probably.

Pete on the other hand is truly horrified and appalled. Woe to anybody who laughs at such language out of an innocent's mouth in front of Pete. Trust me. WOE. However, I am not alone in teaching my children such things. In fact, I distinctly remember Caden learning the word crap, from Pete. Okay, so crap isn't as bad as say, shit...but STILL. Minor details, people.

So, here's my question. What the F bomb do we do? Because let's face it, this is about to get real embarrassing real quick. Any day now the shocked Sunday school teacher is going to stare me down for a talk and I'm going to have stutter out some excuse that will probably sound something like, "oh, gee, er, my! Are you sure it was little Caden?" Although, I may only need to mention the fact that Caden came home from Sunday school informing me that sons come from hot lovin' and presto! Blame averted. But seriously...

I think for now, I'm going to close my eyes, place my hands over my ears, and pretend I didn't hear anything.

Good things.

I feel like I'm finally starting to come out of my depression, almost like I can breath again. I had forgotten what it felt like to be happy, to be grateful for the little things. I had forgotten to be grateful for nice weather, Sunday night ice cream, the best of friends, and round little bellies. In the last couple of days I've found myself delighted by my children. I've realized that the old excitement I used to feel at Pete coming home is coming back. I'm starting to appreciate his jokes, his smiles, and how effortless it is for him to become my old friend again. I now laugh with my children when they laugh. Play when they want to play, and sing when they want to sing. I'm starting to feel like me again...and I'm beginning to think that I'm not so bad.

Stay tuned. Good things are afoot. I can feel it.

Common Sense

I don't normally write poems, not because I don't like them(I adore them) but because mine always sound like they were written by an angst ridden emo teen. But lately I've found myself writing them all of the time. It's entertaining and sometimes I surprise myself. And even if they do sound like a fourteen year old with too much black make up wrote it, who cares?

Common sense would say
That I'm going to survive
and even if it feels like it
I'm not really going to die

Common sense tells me
That when you said, "I love you"
You didn't really mean it
'Cus love isn't something you do

Common sense tells me
That you're cruel,spiteful, and mean
And the only good kind of break
Is one that is clean

Common sense tells me
to hate you and let it go
But you found your way in
And you're all that I know

So...I'm left here
Feeling anything but free
Because common sense
Doesn't make much sense to me.

Sometimes we do things we aren't proud of. Sometimes we do things that we regret. Sometimes we do things that we're ashamed of. Ignore the person who is obviously in need of some help. Trusted somebody who wasn't worthy of it. Said something we shouldn't have. Called too many times...Hopefully we have somebody who will call us out on our b.s. or bring us back to reality. Somebody who can say, "hey, you know what? That really wasn't cool." And for some, we can even reply or apologize, "I'm sorry...I was wrong." Or even something as simple as, "You're right." And we can move on and if we're very lucky, be better for it.

But what happens when what you've done isn't wrong? What if you firmly believe you acted appropriately? What happens when you're made to feel ashamed of something that you should be proud of? What do you do? Do you stick up for yourself? Do you let it go? Do you apologize knowing that what you did was right and good?

I've very recently had the misfortune of being in this exact situation. Somebody has been trying very hard to make me feel ashamed and embarrassed about something that I did. Something that I felt I had to do in order to live with myself. For the first time in my life, I refuse to let them make me feel bad about it. I refuse to let them get into my head and make me question myself and my decisions. I fought for something I thought that I wanted and I'm not going to apologize for it. Did I get what I wanted? No...Do I regret trying? No, because I know that I did everything in my power that I could and because I won't be asking, "What if?" for the rest of my life...but they certainly will.

Dear friend.

There are certain people in my life that I abso-freakin-lutely love and as I sink further into a shitty situation they are becoming clearer and clearer. Were they there before? Yes. Did I know just how awesome they were? Sadly, no. I had no reason too. Until late, my life has been near perfect. Two beautiful children, awesome husband who loves to spoil me, financially stable, central heating and air... I didn't have much reason to complain, is what I'm trying to say. Because I had no reason to complain I had no need for a shoulder to cry on. And then the world swallowed me whole and spit me back out.

I'm realizing that my friends are amazing. So, this is for them.

Dear friend,

Thank you. Thank you for listening to me cry, bitch, complain, moan, and analyze the shit out of every tiny detail hour after hour. Thank you for praying with me and for me. Thank you for telling me it's okay, even when I'm convinced it's not. Thank you for calling the appropriate people assholes and my personal favorite, douche bags. Thank you for being you-thank you for being the person you let me believe you were. Thank you for understanding why I can't be the friend you deserve right now.

You have helped me in so many ways. At a time when I'm questioning whether I'm lovable or not, you have made it certain. You have held me up when I couldn't do it myself. You have given me back my sense of self. You have allowed me to keep thinking that I am one awesome girl. I am eternally grateful for the fabulousness that is you. You have helped me rid myself of the poison that so rudely pushed itself into my life as of late. So very simply, thank you. I love you. I thank God for you. I only hope that I can return the favor someday.

"If this I could I would; shrink the surface of the earth so that I might suddenly find you standing at my side"- Greeting Card

September, September!

Wow, are you aware that it's September? I've recently freed my head from the hole I stuffed it into when I realized how fast time was flying and surprise! It's September. Amazing. A few more months and it would have been a year since I've posted anything.

Things here have been okay. And by okay I mean pretty crappy. I've had to deal with things I'd hoped never to have to deal with and my quality of life has suffered considerably. I've had to remind myself to get out of bed, to smile, even to breathe sometimes. I'm lost...I look around me, recognize nothing, and panic. I look ahead, hoping to see something-anything that is familiar and try to hold it together when all I see is nothing...

One of my best friends today had me list random things that made me happy and to my surprise, I was able to list quite a few. It was then that I decided to claw myself out of this crippling depression. I've set myself a goal; to list 100 things that either make me happy or that I'm thankful for. It's just a small step, but hopefully it's a small step towards sunshine.

1. Pumpkins
2. Caden
3. Kyle
4. Pumpkin spice lattes
5. Lake Tahoe
6. Swimming
7. Chili Cheese Dogs
8. My NEW IMAC
9. Jane Eyre
10. Harry Potter
11. Love, Actually
12. Sex and the City
13. Crisp air
14. Fall
15. Sweaters
16. Mid-morning naps
17. Mail
18. Hot air balloons
19. Pastries
20. Pumpkin bread
21. The Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade
22. Running
23. Family
24. San Francisco
25. Savannah, Georgia
26. New Hampshire
27. Fires on cold days
28. Rainy days
29. Sleepless in Seattle
30. Powells
31. Barnes N Nobles
32. Copperfield's Bookstore in Napa
33. The small used book store in Woodland.
34. The smell of my Nana's house.
35. My Nana
36. Ice cream
37. Halloween
38. Foliage in the fall
39. Winter
40. Cute winter coats
41. Pepsi
42. Chips and Salsa
43. Guacamole
44. Twilight
45. Jane Austen
46. Clam Chowder
47. An Affair To Remember
48. Jimmy Stewart
49. Carey Grant
50. Soul-mates
51. Fresh paper
52. Starbucks
52. Gray's Anatomy
53. The Hills
54. Facebook
55. the smell of babies
56. The smell of Caden and Kyle when they wake up in the morning
57. Old friends
59. Jesus
60. The feel of tropical air
61. Big fluffy blankets
62. Diamond Rings
63. Pearls
64. Star Wars
65. Olive green
66. Christmas Stalkings
67. Christmas trees
68. Christmas
69. Church
70. Puppy breath
71. Candy
72. Warm summer nights
73. The Little Prince
74. Poetry
75. The Olive Garden
76. cinnamon rolls
77. Saturday Mornings
78. Friday nights
79. Friendly people
80. Magic Carpet mini golf
81. Chicken and dumplings
82. Pixeljunk Monsters
83. margaritas
84. Shopping with Adrienne
85. Spilling my heart to Whitney
86. Pink
87. Caden's singing
88. My sisters(Holly and Jessie)
89. Portland, OR
90.books
91. A clean house
92. The Pigeon books
93. Art
94. Thanksgiving at my moms house
95. Shopping for movies
96. Falling asleep at parents house
97. My brothers
98. Pete
99. When people take random words and make something beautiful.
100. the bible