Monday, May 3, 2010

I always thought that once we reach a certain age, we turn in our drama card. We relinquish our hold on petty behaviors, mean gossipy comments behind each others backs, and freezing people out. Because I had given up my drama card I mistakenly assumed everybody else had, too. But they don't, and that is a hard lesson to learn.

I had an awesome friend. We got each other. We could truly be ourselves around each other. I'm a Christian, and I say fuck. I say fuck a lot and I'm pretty sure that everybody knows that if you run with Christians, you just don't say fuck. Except, around her, I could. I did. Not only because she didn't care, but because she said it, too. I could call her and rant, scream, and vent about Pete. I could tell her what an asshole I thought he was being and I knew, I KNEW that no matter what I told her he had done, she would love him anyway. I knew that his reputation was safe, and that when we would inevitably make up she wouldn't roll her eyes, but be genuinely happy for us. We never fought, because any problems we had with each other was solved so quickly and effortlessly that it never became an issue. Because whatever it was we had done to unintentionally hurt the other was just that, unintentional. We laughed. A lot.

So when I came to her about a month ago with something she had been doing that hurt my feelings, I thought nothing of it. Because what was suppose to happen, what usually did happen was that she would apologize. And we would move on. Except, she didn't. And we didn't. She did the last thing I ever expected and took it personally, and stopped talking to me. Which, sucked, but it was nothing I would get my panties in a twist over. I just decided to wait until summer time when both of us had time to actually deal with a non-issue that had suddenly, apparently become a real issue.

Except last night I realized that her sister and mother had deleted me from Facebook. Suddenly this real issue was back to being a non-issue because she was so done, her family was done as well. I sat and stared at the computer screen last night for a long time. I opened up an e-mail.

I wrote, dear friend and then stopped. Because what I could say?

Dear, friend. WTF?

I don't know, guys, that just didn't seem to work. So I sat. And I stared. And I cried. Because one of the only people in my life who wasn't ever suppose to throw me away, did. And I just don't know what you say to that.

So I sat, and wrote and then I read what I had written to my husband; whom always vetoed it because I'll be honest, I was being mean. Because, more than hurt, and more than confused I was angry, because I just don't deserve it.

While I wrote, and re-wrote Pete and I talked about it. He let me vent and tried to offer up advice and the mandatory, "Well, maybe it was becauses..." I eventually hammered something out that was a little bit sad, a little angry, and yes, a little bit mean and sent it on it's way. Afterwards I just stared at my lap and with tears running down my face, Pete said this to me.

"Holly, I want to give you advice about how to fix this, but I just don't know how. I'm sorry because I don't know what to say to you to make you feel better...You just miss your friend don't you?

And he was right of course. Because the truth is, I can be angry, and sad, and confused but it all really comes down to one thing.

I just miss my friend.


Anonymous said...

this happened to me, sort of. i somehow offended my friend and she just stopped talking to me and she never laid it on the line. i miss her, for years, forever. i'm sorry this has happened to you, and i hope it gets fixed.

rudecactus said...

I thought that too. Or hoped. I'm 36 yet sadly it seems like I'm still in high school sometimes. Life us funny and drama is never in short supply.

Holly said...

@ Anon, I'm sorry that happened to you, obviously I know what that's like.

@rudecactus, That's disappointing to hear but it isn't all that surprising. I would suggest that we start an anti-drama movement but something tells me it wouldn't work.