Teen Angst Tuesday

I'm not in the mood for poems today. So instead, I leave you with a quote. Enjoy.

"Today countries are concentrating too much on efforts and means to defend their borders. Yet these countries know so little about the poverty and suffering that make the human beings who live inside such borders feel so lonely!

If instead they would worry about giving these defenseless beings some food, some shelter, some healthcare, some clothes, it is undeniable that the world would be more peaceful and happy place to live. " - Mother Teresa

Teen Angst Tuesday

Crap! It's Teen Angst Tuesday, isn't it? Well, lucky for you I've suddenly got some time on my hands.

I really, really like japanese poetry. It's simple, beautiful, and oftentimes very elegant. I went on a search just now to try to find a poem that fit the bill. I found this instead, which really, fits my state of mind right now. Perfectly. Enjoy.

Kobayashi Issa

Pissing In The Snow

Pissing in the snow
outside my door--
it makes a very straight hole.

Update

So here's a cute little update for you on the Oregon saga. Pete was suppose to pick up his check at 7 a.m. and come home. It is now 9:30 am. Which means they asked him to work. Which means we won't be leaving today. Which means I ran around yesterday and this morning for nothing. Which means that my HEAD IS GOING TO EXPODE at any minute.

Oregon bound

Yesterday was spent running around like a chicken with my head cut off. So it's no surprise that today I feel worthless, which sucks because I have just as much to do today as I did yesterday.

My darling husband informed me yesterday morning that we would be leaving for Oregon today instead of Saturday. Assuming my math is correct, and I really shouldn't because my math is TERRIBLE. That leaves me one day to get ready for a week long vacation instead of five.

I have a million and three things to do this morning before Pete gets home, which could be at ANY time. You'd think I'd be doing them, right? Well, wrong. I'm sitting at the computer, instead. Obviously I have my priorities in order.

And with that incredibly random and awkward post, I leave you, darling chickens. I'll let you know if we make it to the in-laws in one piece. Which is sorta sketchy at this point because Pete is definitely on my S list right now.

Happy Mother's Day!

In honor of Mother's Day I offer to you the best advice my mom ever gave me. Ready?

Always pack an extra pair of underwear.

Your welcome! Happy Mother's Day to all the beautiful moms out there!

An open letter to my dad.

Dear Dad,

You know I love you, good grief. You're one of my most favorite people on this planet. Growing up you were the absolute best. True story. I have various friends who would gladly vouch for me...With that said...

Dad, dad, dad. Listen. I completely understand that making drinks is not an art form. I do. Truly. And your effort at making Margaritas tonight deserves no less than an A. I mean that, Dad. From the bottom of my heart. So when you told me that you made a (valiant, really and truly) effort to water these down with Margarita mix I believed you, Dad. I believed you because I've never known you to lie. And it's not that I think you lied, Dad. Oh no, I saw the truth in your eyes when you said those words. I know now that you honestly believed it yourself. But lie you did, Dad. I was shnockered within the first few sips. And I don't use that word lightly, Dad. When I say it, I mean it. So, with nothing but love in my heart I say to you of your effort to make, "watered down margaritas" was an epic fail. Epic. Fail.

But dad? Rest assured that all was not wasted. They were delicioussssss.

Just Sad

I literally watched a mother get the attention of her child today by grabbing his hair and yanking his head back. Seriously? How is it that a mother can treat her CHILD like that? Sometimes being a human really depresses me.

A Conversation With Caden

Caden has been remembering his dreams lately and I've been loving hearing about them. Not because I like to hear about other people's dreams, because let's be honest, I HATE IT. But it's different when it's your own kid. He's learning and growing and he's finally old enough to let me inside his head. It's exciting. The following conversation took place this very morning.

Caden: Guess what i dreamed about last night, mommy?

Me: What did you dream about?

Caden: I dreamed that the house was on fire!

Me: Caden, why didn't you wake me up? You can always wake me up if you have bad dreams.

Caden: It wasn't a bad dream, it was my happiest dream!!

Me: ........

Yeaaaaah. Is five too early for therapy? Because...yeah, I don't even know what to say.

Teen Angst Tuesday

Because it's pretty...

The Dream

by Edna St. Vincent Millay

Love, if I weep it will not matter,
And if you laugh I shall not care;
Foolish am I to think about it,
But it is good to feel you there.

Love, in my sleep I dreamed of waking,
White and awful the moonlight reached
Over the floor, and somewhere, somewhere,
There was a shutter loose,-it screeched!

Swung in the wind,-and no wind blowing!
I was afraid, and turned to you,
Put out my hand to you for comfort,
And you were gone! Cold, cold as dew,

Under my hand the moonlight lay!
Love, if you laugh I shall not care,
But if I weep it will not matter,
Ah, it is good to feel you there!

I always thought that once we reach a certain age, we turn in our drama card. We relinquish our hold on petty behaviors, mean gossipy comments behind each others backs, and freezing people out. Because I had given up my drama card I mistakenly assumed everybody else had, too. But they don't, and that is a hard lesson to learn.

I had an awesome friend. We got each other. We could truly be ourselves around each other. I'm a Christian, and I say fuck. I say fuck a lot and I'm pretty sure that everybody knows that if you run with Christians, you just don't say fuck. Except, around her, I could. I did. Not only because she didn't care, but because she said it, too. I could call her and rant, scream, and vent about Pete. I could tell her what an asshole I thought he was being and I knew, I KNEW that no matter what I told her he had done, she would love him anyway. I knew that his reputation was safe, and that when we would inevitably make up she wouldn't roll her eyes, but be genuinely happy for us. We never fought, because any problems we had with each other was solved so quickly and effortlessly that it never became an issue. Because whatever it was we had done to unintentionally hurt the other was just that, unintentional. We laughed. A lot.

So when I came to her about a month ago with something she had been doing that hurt my feelings, I thought nothing of it. Because what was suppose to happen, what usually did happen was that she would apologize. And we would move on. Except, she didn't. And we didn't. She did the last thing I ever expected and took it personally, and stopped talking to me. Which, sucked, but it was nothing I would get my panties in a twist over. I just decided to wait until summer time when both of us had time to actually deal with a non-issue that had suddenly, apparently become a real issue.

Except last night I realized that her sister and mother had deleted me from Facebook. Suddenly this real issue was back to being a non-issue because she was so done, her family was done as well. I sat and stared at the computer screen last night for a long time. I opened up an e-mail.

I wrote, dear friend and then stopped. Because what I could say?

Dear, friend. WTF?

I don't know, guys, that just didn't seem to work. So I sat. And I stared. And I cried. Because one of the only people in my life who wasn't ever suppose to throw me away, did. And I just don't know what you say to that.

So I sat, and wrote and then I read what I had written to my husband; whom always vetoed it because I'll be honest, I was being mean. Because, more than hurt, and more than confused I was angry, because I just don't deserve it.

While I wrote, and re-wrote Pete and I talked about it. He let me vent and tried to offer up advice and the mandatory, "Well, maybe it was becauses..." I eventually hammered something out that was a little bit sad, a little angry, and yes, a little bit mean and sent it on it's way. Afterwards I just stared at my lap and with tears running down my face, Pete said this to me.

"Holly, I want to give you advice about how to fix this, but I just don't know how. I'm sorry because I don't know what to say to you to make you feel better...You just miss your friend don't you?

And he was right of course. Because the truth is, I can be angry, and sad, and confused but it all really comes down to one thing.

I just miss my friend.

Ah me, life has gotten in the way again. I'm so sorry, chickens. Er, chicken. I can't imagine I have any readers left, except maybe one or two. If you're still there, hey. How are you? I'm sorry for the wildly erratic blog. I truely am. Life has been a crazy ride as of late. So. To make a short story even shorter, I'm back. More blog posts to follow, to those of you who are still around.

Teen Angst Tuesday

Today's poem is called "Love After Love" by Derek Walcott. I first read this poem when I started reading "The Time Traveler's Wife" It's at the very beginning of the book. I don't know much about this poem or the author, and by "much" I mean, nothing. I do know that when I read it I absolutely knew that I would LOVE the book. Any author who starts her books out with an A-MAZING poem is okay in my book. Enjoy, lovelies.

Love After Love

The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror,
and each will smile at the other's welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

Teen Angst Tuesday

Howdy folks. So, yes, I'm aware that this isn't actually Tuesday but it can't be helped. Fact of the matter is, you probably never would have noticed that I posted this on Monday if I hadn't pointed it out, but I'm nothing if not honest. That's probably why so many consider me angelic in quality. I do actually have a reason for going all wonky on you though. Tomorrow Pete and I are going to give up TV and the Internet for a week so posting this on the actual day of Tuesday is OUT. Should be exciting...that is if I don't die from withdrawals. Actually, it probably won't be exciting at all. We'll sit around doing things like reading, playing games, and you know, interacting with each other. Crazy, right? So! Onwards with angsty poems! This poem is actually one of mine. I wrote it a couple of nights ago. Explanation to follow.

What I Would Ask

Can I ask, are you happy?
Is today a good day to die?
When people ask, "How are you?"
Are you truthful? Do you lie?

Do your eyes shine brightly?
When you smile, do you glow?
Do you laugh out loud?
When they say, "Cheese" do your teeth show?

How are you doing?
When you sleep, are you dreaming?
Are you there? Alive?
Or are you only being?

Do you miss me?
Have you kept me at all?
Am I gone for good?
Like the wind this past fall?

Are you like me?
Never the same, but still good?
Would you please leave me?
Please, I truly wish you would.

Okay, so I feel like I have to say some things about this poem and my mindset when it was written. First off, I'm madly in love with my Pete bee. He's the cheese to my macaroni as Juno would say. The stars to my moon. The heart attack to my cheeseburger. The flower to my bumblebee. The Hitchcock to my Grace Kelly. The...okay, I'm done with the really BAD analogies. The point is, I love that boy. Madly. Do we have our problems? Sure. Doesn't everybody? But we slog through and overcome and truthfully, it makes for an incredibly satisfying marriage. But haven't we all felt this way at some time or another? When a lover leaves? When a friend decides it isn't worth it anymore? Or maybe you, yourself decide it isn't worth it? Maybe somebody has even died...I wrote this because I think a lot of people can relate, and a lot of people have probably sat around thinking these very questions. They've sat around wondering how people who used to be their best friends, or lovers, or enter the blank are doing. But more importantly, I think that so many people can relate when it comes to not being able to let somebody go. They can relate to holding on so tightly to something that isn't even there anymore. To loving somebody who has long since left. This is for you, you eternal romantic, you.

Quote

"If I may so express it, I was steeped in Dora. I was not merely over head and ears in love with her, but I was saturated through and through. Enough love might have been wrung out of me, metaphorically speaking, to drown anybody in; and yet there would have remained enough within me, and all over me, to pervade my entire existence." -Charles Dickens

Busy Bookworm Challenge 2010!

So, I've decided to participate in The Busy Bookworm Challenge. What you do is pick 12-24 books that you can't fathom passing up and reading them throughout the year. 1-2 books a month. Since I love reading, and read at least 2 books a month anyway I thought it would be fun to participate and see how far I got. My own personal goal would be to surpass the twenty four books and read even more. Also, I get a cute little button to put up on my blog. Please direct your eyes to the left and you shall see it in all of it's gloriousness! So, without further ado; my list!

1. The Stand by Stephen King

2. Angels and Demons By Dan Brown

3. Great Expectations by Charles Dickens

4. Oliver Twist By Charles Dickens

5. The Sugar Queen by Sarah Addison Alan(LOVE this author, if you haven't read Garden Spells you must. Now.)

6. The Girl Who Chased the Moon by Sarah Addison Alan

7. Moby Dick by Herman Melville

8. The Odyssey by Homer

9. Under The Dome by Stephen King

10. A Simple Path by Mother Theresa(although, I'm not sure this counts because I started it at the end of December. Oh well. I'm a cheater. Meh)

11. Love Letters of Great Men

12 Peter Duck by Arthur Ransom

13. Neverwhere by Neil Gaimon

14. Coraline by Neil Gaimon

15. Blue Like Jazz-Don Miller

16. The Help- Kathryn Stockett

17. Me Talk Pretty One Day- David Sedaris


Uh, so yeah. Turns out picking twenty four MUST read books is harder than it seems. I'll get through these and then I'll pick another twelve.

Consider partaking in the challenge yourself because let's face it, reading is so much cooler than TV!

Okay...so I don't know how obvious this is but I've been going back and adding books. Some I've found on my own, and a couple were recommended to me(thanks, Jessie!) So. I'll probably slowly add them and that is why the end of this post doesn't make any sense. Alrighty, then . Carry on.

A Season Of Blessing

I think one of the questions you have to ask yourself when you start a blog is how much information you want to share with the world. Do you want to give away all of the gory details? Keep a little for yourself but share enough? Share nothing, just speak, so to speak? I myself prefer honest blogs. I like to read about people's misbehaving kids, annoying husband antics, and nightmarish mother-in-laws. I like it, because it's REAL. I like it because the reason I read blogs is to peek into somebody elses life; to be able to connect with other human beings if only for a couple of minutes. Let's be honest, writing about your "perfect" children, "perfect" husband, and/or "perfect" life is a wasted effort because people not only see through it but probably resent it, if only just a teeny tinsy bit. Not to mention it just doesn't make for good writing. '

With that being said, I gotta say; my life so perfect right now I could scream. Seriously. I don't even feel bad about writing that because if you've been reading this blog for any period of time you know that my life is FAR from perfect. I'm just in such a season of blessing that I feel like singing it from the rooftops. For the sake of every ones innocent ears, I'll just tell it here. 2010 is going to be a rocking year, lovelies. It's going to rock my socks harder than my socks have EVER been rocked.

Today we had the final walk through on our house. Monday we will sign the loan documents and we should receive our keys on Thursday. I'll let you in on a little secret; we've been trying to buy a house for TWO years. TWO YEARS! Two years of slogging through house, after house, after house. Two years of rejected offer after rejected offer. Two years of countless realtors ditching us because we're too "picky." I can't tell you how excited I am to finally see the day when we officially become home-owners. Bliss. Heaven. Extreme satisfaction.

May 2010 bless you as richly as I know we will be blessed. I just ask that you excuse this sickeningly optimistic blog. I literally cannot help but spread the joy, peeps.